Moments of gold and flashes of light
by Aerche
Summary: Everlark; post war. "It was dead long ago, but it's all coming back to me. I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now. " Songfic for Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back To Me Now.


_There were nights when the wind was so cold_

_That my body froze in bed_

_If I just listened to it_

_Right outside the window_

* * *

Peeta woke up in cold sweat. This was not the first time this had happened, and he ought to be used to it by now. But he couldn't be used to this. How could someone forget what had happened to him - what had happened to all of them - as easily as she had hoped they would?

Her. She was his biggest mystery. Had he really loved her? Was their story just a lie? It had seemed like it. She was cold to him, and he couldn't help it. He had fallen head over heels for the Seam girl, someone he had never thought he would devote his life to. Okay, so maybe he had his eyes on her from a young age, but were those just false memories as well? Everything hurt. Peeta was no stranger to pain, but this was a different kind of hurt. The physical pain was nothing; Peeta had put up with plenty of that in and out of the arena. It was the mental and emotional pain that got him. Fear that he hurt everyone he loved, fear that the world was done with him, fear of being tossed away and turned into a kind of living ghost. The trauma was too much for an innocent, naïve boy to deal with. He wasn't sure what was real and what was not real anymore.

* * *

_There were moments of gold_

_And there were flashes of light_

_There were things I'd never do again_

_But then they'd always seemed right_

_There were nights of endless pleasure_

_It was more than any laws allow_

* * *

It wasn't always nightmares; sometimes the adventures he went on in his sleep were actually nice. A warm feeling - was this what they had called love? Had he really loved her, the mutt that his head was telling him he needed to kill to set things right? His mind was in a mess. He didn't know what was right and what was wrong anymore, and everything was simply frustration. His heart would tell him one thing, but his head another. Which one could he believe? Who was he to trust? It was a nice feeling, however; a kind of break, a detachment from the endless horrors that were the ongoing battles inside his head.

* * *

_There were days when the sun was so cruel_

_That all the tears turned to dust_

_And I just knew my eyes were_

_Drying up forever_

* * *

The horrors would always be there too. Constant fear and terror would engulf him on some nights, and he would wake up screaming, writhing in pain. On some days, it was pure anger. Other days, confusion and bewilderment. His mind had been so tampered with; what was wrong and what was right? "I'm right here. I'll always be here." A voice in his mind had been telling him, a girl's voice. It sounded like her, but she had never been there for him before, or at least it didn't seem like it. Courteous detachment, if it was even courteous. More like she wanted to kill him, from what they told him. She was a violent killing machine. She was a monster. She was a mutt.

* * *

_There were those empty threats and hollow lies_

_And whenever you tried to hurt me_

_I just hurt you even worse_

_And so much deeper_

* * *

They told him the Peeta he once was always did the right thing. They didn't tell him his mental deterioration might be getting worse. Hell, it might even be incurable. The damage is too great, but why do they even try? Real or not real seemed to help a little. He knew they were all doing all they could to save him, but why was everyone still so far away? People watched him as he sulked around the place in shackles and chains, but they did not attempt to make conversation. He tried to talk to her, but she pushed the conversation aside and tried to get away. But he was starting to remember. He might not be the same person anymore, but he knew one thing, he was the reason she was like this. He can't go on living like this, bringing everyone down with him. Peeta decided he needed to die.

* * *

_But you were history with the slamming of the door_

_And I made myself so strong again somehow_

_And I never wasted any of my time on you since then_

* * *

She brought him back, though. It was all over, and neither of them had anything to live for. She told him to let go - his head and heart told him to never back down. He didn't want to forget. Things seemed to get better. They returned home. Thing progressed, albeit slowly, and he began to return to society. She was cold, but with time, the Mockingjay came back to life. They find each other, and come back together. He has regained the warm, fuzzy feeling that overcomes him when he is with her, and they find comfort in each other. Through nightmare, through flashback, and through terror, they are with each other, and nothing will ever get in their path. They will never be a pawn in someone's death game ever again. They can take on the world together.

* * *

_If I kiss you like this_

_And if you whisper like that_

_It was lost long ago_

_But it's all coming back to me_

* * *

Peeta eventually made his way back to reality. He found her in his arms, and whispered in Katniss's ear.

"You love me, real or not real?"

"Real."

* * *

_If you want me like this_

_And if you need me like that_

_It was dead long ago_

_But it's all coming back to me_

_It's so hard to resist_

_And it's all coming back to me_

_I can barely recall_

_But it's all coming back to me now_

**_But it's all coming back._**


End file.
